I recently had a somewhat emotional discussion with a dear person, that included the throwout from me that “I  (expletive) hate Christmas!”

Mea culpa, I confess.  This is actually not true.  And I have to expand on this because atheist that I am, and sceptic (not cynic) that I am, I would like to qualify all of this, because I see Christmas as both a minefield to be negotiated, and an opportunity for peace and reconciliation.  And yes, I do hate the conflict that Christmas can often generate.

So here we go again, another Christmas, another emotional minefield.  You know what I mean!

In a world that, despite logic and lived experience, continues to buy into the idealistic memes of events such as Mother’s day, Father’s day, Valentine’s day and all the other DAYS that have been taken hostage by the consumer and retail strategy; we continue to invest personally in them, despite often trying to set ourselves apart and view them in a realistic sense.

But, here, I’m talking about Christmas, in particular.  We all envision the ideal, (and indeed why would we not?) of mum and dad and the extended family, all crowding around on THE day (December 25, of course), with our weird Christmas paraphernalia e.g. silly sweaters or t-shirts, reindeer antlers, flashing earrings, music and songs only played in December (or whenever local supermarkets start to play it), dining on ‘traditional’ fare e.g. hams, plum pudding, enormous roasted pieces of meat or fowl; regardless of hemisphere, northern or southern.

 It’s a particularly lovely ideal scenario, and who wouldn’t want it? You have only to think of  Charles Dickens’ ‘Christmas Carol’ to feel the excruciating beauty of the softened heart, the deeply satisfying reward of seeing the joy and gratitude of the formerly unrecognised.

I would confidently say, that for most of us, the inability to land ourselves in any ‘acceptable’ version of the idealised scenario of Christmas Day, of  all the “DAYS”, is the most crushing.  There are so many reasons why this happens, but the overall question that precipitates any other response is that Question of Questions:  “What are you doing for Christmas?”

Here,  I’ll list just a few that impact directly on my own personal lived experience through my own life and those of people whom I know of first hand:

• Domestic violence – when you live in a family with domestic violence, whether physical or psychological, there is an ongoing strand of tension which is necessarily heightened at this time of year.  It can be accompanied by extravagant financial gestures of gifts from the abuser, but usually followed by disenchantment in the form of arguments verbal, and more, on the day.
• Bereavement – especially the loss of a child or a beloved partner.  This is an incredibly difficult and painful time for the family.  Even in the most beautiful and harmonious of families, this is a painful wound that never heals, and is only emphasized on an occasion like Christmas Day.
• Estrangement from family or precious friends.  I know MANY folk from whom their loved ones whether children, parents,  dear friends or other family members, have experienced severed contact from the loved one with no explanation.  This is a particularly difficult one, as one cannot understand why, and have no opportunity to ask the question  to the person who has broken off contact.
• Divorced.  Do I really need to explain this?  I don’t think so, especially to those who have young children.

There are so many more factors but I’m only talking about those that I know of first hand.

But here’s what I’d really like to say to everyone.

Christmas is what you make it.   In the end, Christmas is about the historical figure Jesus, and you can’t go wrong by asking yourself the question “What would Jesus do”.  I have a few suggestions.

• If it’s not with the people you want to be with – find some people who have no one to be with and give them some love and attention
• If it’s not on the 25th – which is only a day set by a Roman Emperor, (not a Christian, and set to appease Christians and conveniently coincide with the festival of the Roman sun god, Sol Invictus) make it a day that works for the people you care about and want to share the time with.
• If you can’t afford to buy presents – DON’T buy them!  Chances are most people can’t afford to buy them either, and you’re only putting pressure on them by giving gifts!
• The best and most invaluable gift of all is YOUR time and attention.  There is nothing else that can replace these.

My own personal mission in Christmas/December for many years now is to reach out and make peace with those with whom I am at odds, no matter whether I thought the fault of the rift was mine or theirs.

To me, Christmas is about ‘burying the hatchet’ in an honest and heartfelt way, before going into the New Year.  Sometimes you can do this, sometimes not.  Just do the best you can, and leave blame behind.