I recently watched the movie “Still Alice” and am deeply moved each time I see it again.  It makes me think about how we define ourselves, and what really matters in the end.

When first we make a new acquaintance, what happens?  We share names, maybe locales, and then, the most defining question, “What do you do?”  In our developed world we divide and define ourselves by our class, profession, life role, educational standard, and so on.  Often, we tend to ‘uptalk’ our work roles if we feel they do not ‘sound’ impressive enough.  For example ‘garbage collector’ might translate to ‘sanitary engineer’, ‘storeman’ becomes ‘distribution manager’…you get the picture!  For me, ‘quilter’ became ‘textile artist’.

This tendency we have to define ourselves by our work role, can be tenuous, at best. One only has to look, for example, at the way in which previously high profile political figures have been relegated to the ranks of those ‘humoured but not paid attention to‘ by currently serving politicians, to see how this works, or rather, does not work.

We seek self validation through all kinds of endeavours: scientific, artistic, commercial, political, and indeed these are vastly worthwhile efforts which may indeed generate ‘fame’, and ‘immortality’, at best in one’s lifetime, and not so good, posthumously.  Such accomplishment may even generate financial rewards at a time in which they may be enjoyed: that is, before you die.

“Financial rewards can be gratifying, of course, but, what if, that is all there is?”

What, when all is said and done, is going to give you happiness and contentment right here and now in the life that you know and are aware of, and (if you are an atheist like me), is the only life you believe you are guaranteed?

When your career is over, you’ve retired from your job…maybe you’ve lost a spouse, estranged from siblings or children…what is left to give you a sense of being alive and loved in the here and now, the only things you can be sure of?

It’s painful and bitter to become separated from, or bereaved of, a partner whom you loved.  Estrangement, from siblings or children, can be even worse.  Losing loved siblings or children through untimely death is also horrifically painful.

So, what gives happiness and contentment in the here and now, and is not contingent on financial constraints?  What if there is no afterlife, or heaven, or whatever you like to call it?  What is there when you take away the ‘duty’ relationships however they have arisen?  Probably most likely through family, but maybe in other ways too – life does get very complicated, especially when we live as long as we do in the 21st century.

So, what’s the best gauge of happiness and contentment in the here and now?   Here’s the truth, the nugget that sits at the top of the pile, and it’s this:

“the foremost predictor of happiness is the quality of your LOVE relationships.”

Now, this may NOT be a romantic partner or a family member, but it does not matter.  It will be someone, or several persons with whom you share a deep emotional connection, a RECIPROCAL connection, and it’s not QUANTITY but QUALITY that matters.  It may also include a beloved pet, and at this time where so many folk are living ALONE, pets are paramount in providing love, companionship, and a reason for getting out of bed in the morning.

Personally, I am deeply suspicious of anyone who is pernickety about animals- if cat hair on the sofa is a dealbreaker for someone, then that person has NO place in my life – ever.  If they are fatally allergic, fair enough, but, let’s move on… next please!

The reason we love our pets is that they can be there and appear to us to be totally non-judgemental.  People are not usually like this – we all find it easy to jump to judgement, but if you find someone who does not do this with you, treat them like the precious treasure that they are, because we are ALL susceptible to judgement!

If you have a loving friend who accepts you warts and all (yes, you do have ginormous warts – we ALL do) value that person with your life, and return the loyalty in full.   Such people are the foundations that will underpin you, if you value and respect them and return their faith and forgiveness.  It’s not necessarily about returning the support either.  I am sure that I have in no way repaid the debt of support and love that has been given me by loving friends, but their commitment remains ongoing.  I only hope for the wisdom to step up and do what I can when it is needed.

So, this gift of acceptance and love from whomever it comes…is the number one generator of fulfillment and happiness that you can find…and, even more so, if you can find it in yourself to RETURN it to others, it will multiply many fold!

For more secrets of authentic happiness, including gratitude, go here https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/