“We’re not together.” “I’m married but it’s a lonely marriage.” “I just get so lonely; it really hits me if my cat goes missing for a while.”

I’ve heard heard all of these comments first hand just in the last few days – from men and women, and none whom I know really well!

Loneliness. There seems to be a lot of it about. People who look fine from the outside. Have good jobs. Family. Lots of friends. And of course those who are obviously lonely. Old people. Young people.

What then, is loneliness? How can someone like my friend Francesca, who seems to have everything, and lives what one might see as an ‘easy life’, be lonely?

Francesca’s Story

“I was married for over 20 years when Ed and I finally divorced. We just didn’t want to be together anymore. The kids had grown up and were away at Uni, I had help him build his medical practice, we were fairly well off, and I had my own money. As the business grew, I was able to have more time free for sport, and socialising with my friends, which I loved. It wasn’t a bitter break up, and I know a lot of other single women would look at me and think that I had it good, and I don’t struggle financially like I know a lot of my single friends do.

“I have had a couple of relationships since the divorce, and I was hopeful that the first would last. We were very similar in age and both financially secure, and even our grown up children got on quite well. There were a few little dramas, of course it’s not going to be easy bringing two families together. We had all the usual issues that two divorced people have when coming together, but overall, it was fine, or so I thought. Then Pete just got a bee in his bonnet and went halfway around the world in pursuit of a much younger woman, and I was left alone again.

“I’ve tried online dating, and met a couple of quite nice men, but the online thing can be quite daunting, and it’s really hard to tell what people are like. Men aren’t particularly good at describing themselves, and tend to talk about things that don’t really give you an idea what they’re like.

“A friend of mine arranged a blind date, and that worked out well in the beginning, we both had very similar interests, and again had financial freedom to travel or whatever. He then called it off after a few dates, in a nice way, though it was disappointing, as I thought it could have developed into a nice relationship over time.

“So yes, it does get very lonely sometimes; if my cat stays out longer than usual, it gives me a bit of a jolt, and I realise how lonely I would be if I lost her too!”

But, what is Loneliness?

I have found it more useful to encourage my clients to think about loneliness in a different way, in a way that makes it more useful for them. Feeling swallowed up by loneliness can lead to depression, because you are just experiencing this deeply sad emotion, and feeling powerless to do anything about it.

So the question we need to ask is “What are you lonely for?” By this I mean, what is it that you are missing? Because loneliness is not about being alone, it is about feeling the lack of something that can only be fulfilled through human to human interaction, through relationship with another human being.

Well here’s the thing. Firstly, we are social creatures, we are designed for companionship, to live in tribes, to form social relationships, and to form partnerships. This is a strong natural drive, and most of us, men and women are compelled by it throughout our lives, regardless of culture, religion or sexual orientation.

We can pack our lives with all sorts of things to fill up the empty space that loneliness brings – too much work, too much booze, gambling, shopping, exercise, food,…add just about anything to the list here…our loneliness salves can be positive and negative, but in the end, nothing really completely fills the empty space that equals our personal loneliness.
Francesca’s Personal Loneliness

For Francesca, who seems to have everything: a healthy social life, other external outlets such as sport – it was the lack of that life partner, that person who was there at the end of the day, and the first thing in the morning. The person with whom she had shared a huge chunk of her life history, and probably knew her better than anyone else. The person to whom she expected to be able to turn to first, who would care for her, listen to her, and, of equal importance, could expect the same of her! This is what monogamy gears us for, and when these expectations are not met, the readjustment is hardly ever complete!

Of course, there is no way later on in life to replace the experience of having a decades long relationship with all that it encompasses, including having and raising children together; and you may never find “the one” to replace it!

Francesca’s loneliness, is that of not having ‘that special partner’, the one to always be there, to be his ‘number one’, as he was hers. Not just a friend, but a partner, with all that entails.
Your Personal Loneliness

Your may feel that your personal loneliness is way different to this. Many folk are very fulfilled in their lives and may hardly ever be confronted with or plagued by loneliness. We can have episodes of loneliness specific to a certain time in our lives, or a particular life experience. But here, I am talking about ongoing or frequently recurring loneliness that can become pervasive and detrimental to our life experience.

Much of our loneliness can be satisfied by good family relationships with siblings and children and extended family; healthy friendships; productive and fulfilling activities, especially community involvement; and of course, those precious life companions: our pets!
So what if I never find “the one” to fill the empty space in my heart?

I always thought that I would find “the one”, even after many ended relationships, and to be honest I still hold out the hope at my advanced age! And in the meantime, I learn to live with the idea that I don’t have it now, and I may NEVER have it – so the learning process goes on!

Yes, sometimes it makes me sad, and sometimes, it even makes me a little angry! Why me, I think, why do I end up alone?

This is of no use of course. And I remind myself that even if my first marriage decades ago had survived and had been totally happy, one of us would have left the other behind, and probably lonely for the last few years of life!

My heart really aches for those who are in decades-old marriages, but quietly confide to me that within that marriage, they feel deeply lonely.
So What Works?

First, you have to admit your loneliness to yourself. To do this, you have to work it out. You might already know it. You might feel angry, dissatisfied with work, jealous of friends in relationships or comparing yourself to your friends or people your own age, generally depressed, reluctant to socialise, bury yourself in work, computer games, too much TV, too much of anything that obscures the way you are really feeling.

If you can work this out and honestly acknowledge it to yourself you can then work out how to manage your loneliness. Yes, manage – this may be the best you can hope for – I cannot guarantee a ‘Happy Ending’ here, but I do know that being able to share and discuss this issue openly and in confidence with a trusted confidant can do much towards easing this deepest of aches!
Would you like to know more?

If this article has touched you and you would like to ask a question, please email me privately via the Contact