The art & the poison of giving –
Be generous if you must – but keep it quiet & don’t expect gratitude!
“What of this perverse trait in human beings that impels people so often to turn against their benefactors? A man who has labored into the twilight of his life on behalf of others, observes without bitterness or regret: “I have always tried to help the underdog. And the underdog has always turned around and bitten me.” – M Tripp
“Nothing could be worse than expecting gratitude,” could testify any child of a whingeing parent or recipient of the expressed or implied sentiment : “After all I have done for you, how can you [insert appropriate complaint].”
This is only underlined and exacerbated when others in the conversation or information circle re-iterate it back to the giver of this apparently burdensome kindness.
You can also start doing stuff for others because it makes YOU feel good. But once again when you start giving too much, without what may be for you an appropriate acknowledgment, or worse, overt resentment from the recipient of your generosity, you can start to resent the designated receivers of your benevolent intentions.
You need to work out the ‘why’ of your giving, in order to continue giving and deal with it in way that will not affect you in a detrimental manner, and there are effective ways to do this, but you do need to understand why you are giving.
For many private philanthropists this ‘resentment blowback’ is a very good reason why they choose to do their giving anonymously, and set their own criteria and limitations.
One element in the theory about this resulting resentment is that it creates a sense of obligation in the recipient. The recipient may feel the need to make a commitment to return the gift in some way. If there is never a possibility that this might happen given that the receiver may never be in the circumstances to make up for or reciprocate, this sense of obligation may hang heavy.
What’s worse, is that the inability for the recipient to return or fulfil the perceived obligation can then lead to a sense of inferiority on behalf of the recipient. You can see where all of this going. One or two kind acts may be absorbed with a healthy thankfulness, but major and ongoing generosity can end up being perceived as an insult, or be taken for granted, and can even end up perpetuating undesirable outcomes such as welfare dependency.
Crazy, but true. Very few people are empowered by the perceived message “You are hopeless without handouts.”