Starting a new relationship later in life is often much more complicated than when we are very young, with relatively few commitments.
Surely, the most challenging of these is growing a relationship where one or both of you has children from a previous relationship.
The first thing to acknowledge here, is that apart from the most extraordinary of circumstances, YOU are never going to be Number 1 in your newish partner’s life. Children, whether they are yours or your partner’s, will always be number one. Face up to it and accept it – there is no compromise here!
And, this is not contingent upon the age of the child or children involved. If you are not prepared to accept this, then the future of your relationship does not hold promise.
But, this is ok…because with a bit of maturity and an open mind and preparedness to make changes…you can have a rich and wonderful relationship with your partner and his/her child/children.
It does take time, and sometimes, experimentation. You have to let go of the relationship stereotypes you may have had when you were very young and unattached.
You also have to remember for both you and your partner’s sake, that being a parent is one of the most vulnerable roles that anyone who cares, can occupy. This does not end when the child grows into adulthood and leaves home…so sorry, but this is true. If you are not prepared to share, then forget it!
On the positive side, if you are falling in love with a person who seems to really love and is active in the lives of their children – this is a good thing, and you need to make space for this. I mean, would you want someone who shortchanges their children, and regards them as a burden? I don’t think so. At least, I hope not.
Children, step or natural, create huge challenges for intimate relationships, and this is where ‘grown-upness’ really needs to kick in. This is where you get to be an adult, to deepen your relationship with your partner through sharing, to allow time and space for parenting and personal time – it takes patience – but it is so worth it. The worst thing that you can do is to make it a choice or an ultimatum with you partner – you will never win – and there is no win here!
If you both have children it is a huge negotiable space – and if you all get along, then count your blessings – such a gift! If there is absolutely no confluence then there may be too much conflict ever to allow the relationship to work – the only way to work this out is to make the contacts early in the piece and work out what is worth doing, and what is not. It sounds brutal, but it’s true.
My personal experience from my last relationship, is that I never clicked with my ex’s adult children – they just did not like me, and we had nothing in common – and until we separated, he was super-critical of my teenage children. It was not the reason for our breakup, but it was significant. And one of the few personal regrets I have is the time I did NOT have with my children, for any reason.
I write this now because I have a friend who is in the early stages of a relationship with a person who has a 9 year old, (my friend has no children), and is finding it challenging to develop this relationship in the context of the child being the first priority. When we are older and single, we are used to having no boundaries, and it is more difficult to accommodate those who do have that 24/7 responsibility where a younger child is involved.
Also, at that age, kids are just a tad more challenging…not like infants. They make black and white statements…and other awful stuff! Or worse, they can be stoically and impenetrably silent!
So, to sum up – my advice? You are a grown up – be patient, allow time and space. This is not to say don’t dismiss your needs and hopes, but don’t expect it overnight; make it clear at a time as early as possible, and when you are feeling patient and not frustrated, and DO NOT deliver ultimatums. You will not need to do this anyway, if you opt for clear communication at the outset.